Joy and Hardship.

So Christmas came and went. It was a pretty good Christmas over all, spending time with Koz’s family after church and then my family in the evening. However, it’s just been a long couple of weeks, and I try to be strong but it’s been showing that I’m not. The past couple of months have been full of lots of tears I’d say. Happen ones but of course sad ones as well. I think the tears started when my grandma past away almost exactly two months ago now. It was a hard week but there was so much going on that I don’t think it really ever hit me. My grandma went into the hospital after she had fallen and broke her hip. She seemed to be doing so well even for being on dialyses for her kidney failure for the past four years. Anyways, she went to the hospital and my parents and I went up to see her the day before her surgery, and she seemed the same grandma. We even were talked about my wedding because I was getting married in two weeks. She was really sad that she wasn’t going to be able to come now, but we just kinda laughed and told her she had a good excuse. And that we’d show her pictures after and video of it all, and even bring her her corsage after it was over. Well I had to go early that day because I had a wedding shower to go too. The next day I was busy with something so I didn’t go the hospital, but I went on Sunday. Sunday was the day she was going to be having her surgery, so my parents and I went after it was over. She wasn’t her normal self at all at first but after a while she realized it and things started to get better. We were all just sitting in the room reading the paper and talking some, when the nurses came in said that her blood pressure was low and wasn’t going up. Well in a few short minutes it seemed like everything changed for the worst. She started to not respond as much and the nurses came in to see if they could give her things that would help her get her blood pressure up. Well this was when I got kicked out of the room and sent to the hall way, however my parents both said they wanted to stay because they’re nurses and wanted to be there for my grandma. As I stood alone in the hall way, I could still hear everything; I could hear my mom telling my grandma over and over again how much she loved her. I knew she had died even before a nurse came and told me what had happen. I didn’t really know it was coming, if she was going to die it was more possible during her surgery, because she was an 89 woman after all. That week was hard with helping my mom making funeral arrangements along with wedding plans. My grandma had everything all picked out though, so that helped. She even had her florist picked out, who was the same one I was having for my wedding. My mom and I helped even find the clothes my grandma wanted to wear, which my mom told me were the same ones she wanted to wear to my wedding. Anyways, the funeral visitation was on Thursday and then the funeral was Friday afternoon, the same day Koz was coming home on his leave from his deployment. I don’t think I got that much sleep those couple days before the funeral and him coming home. It was so nice to see him though after everything, even if I couldn’t go get him from the airport. Him just being home helped the hurt and stress I was feeling from everything. But at the same time it was hard to get excited and be ready for a wedding when there was so much on my mind. And now my grandma’s house is all empty and there is a for sale sign in the lawn. It was hard to see the house empty after spending part of my summer there and also my childhood visiting my grandma’s. Anyways, I think having Koz home and then the wedding and being able to get away from everything helped. I mean actually being with Koz always makes me so happy and life seem easier. However, then he had to leave even though neither of us wanted him to go. And the holidays came, along with going out to Cali, and things were just busy. However, now things seem to have calmed down and everything has settled I think. And now is the time I’m actually reflecting on the fact that my grandma has passed away and I won’t see her till heaven. So, these past weeks or so have been rough in that way, thinking of my grandma. Along with getting married and having spent a week with him as my husband, just to let him go has been hurting a lot too. The first month is always the hardest after having Koz leave, but I know that’s just what he has to do. And I know he doesn’t want to leave me because he misses me just as much as I miss him, but that’s what he has to do, it’s his job. And I love him and am so proud of him, for putting up with everything he has too. Also for being strong enough to get through his deployment even when he has crappy days. I love him so much. Anyways, yeah it’s been a long month and I’m kinda glad it’s the end and an end of a year too. I ready for something new and fresh to help get past these coming months.